Judgments

There are judgments enough to go around... I've seen a lot of ways of being & living - the social work professions give you a good idea of the trials and tribulations people and their children go though.  If you see enough you start to realize that there are infinite shades of gray to the good and bad you heard about during your black and white upbringing.  I realize that some people have lived in a bubble of privilege their whole lives with parents who were raging violent racists and that clearly has an effect.  Despite that, I really try to practice and preach a "live and let live" perspective.  But sometimes a supposed "friend" may call you "trailer trash" in a semi-joking but clearly serious critique of your choices and then the vicious judgment part of me comes out (in my head) and starts tearing them apart for their crappy choices.

I remember when I was trying to quit smoking many years ago.  After I had a couple of non-smoking weeks under my belt I would become really self-righteous and start to question how anybody could poison their body with such a filthy and harmful drug.  I would get on a soapbox and get all braggy about it, I'm not proud, but there it is.  I like to think that these days I am share my experience for those who are interested, but I am not trying to condemn anyone.  I certainly understand the pros and cons of the many choices we all make in this life.  With that said, I quit drinking alcohol three months ago and it's been a good choice for me and my health.  When I am around people who have not given up the habit I can see that it is taking a toll on their decision-making and other aspect of their health.  I would like to say "live and let live", but we all know that alcohol is extremely addictive and unhealthy and it makes smart and capable people act like fools.  It even makes people say things that they may not otherwise not say, like call someone "trailer trash."

The worst part about alcohol, drugs, overspending, overindulging in food/sugar is that these can be substitutes for working on oneself.  We turn to these things to numb us to our pain, our discontent, our unhappiness, and our failures.  We could work on figuring out how to overcome ourselves, but we don't.  Instead we get stuck in detrimental patterns of self destruction.  I'm speaking from experience.  Most recently I stuffed my concerns about my extreme "McMansion" lifestyle by overspending, overindulging in food, and drinking.  This is not the only time in my life I had turned to substitutes, it is a recent example.  Eventually the habits are just that, they persist despite change.  When I decided to look myself in the mirror and really conduct a self-evaluation I decided that these things were not working for me.  You can run from yourself, but it won't solve anything.  It takes being present in your own life to make conscious decisions about your choices.  Today I felt very confident in my choices and was feeling more than a little self-satisfied by my teetotaler lifestyle.

Do I have self doubt?  Sure.  I weight the pros and cons of my choices.  But at the end of the day I take responsibility for me and mine.  I am going to be 42 this year and I have been married for 21 years to my best friend.  I have two beautiful kids with whom I have the privilege of spending my time.  I am not just "surviving" parenthood, I am loving it.  Some people may find derogatory labels for my choices, but I am going to go on a 12-week vacation with the best people in this world.  I could go to a bar, but I could also just hang out at my trailer, watch my kids play outside, and be perfectly content in the moment.