Abortion and the rule of Christian fascists

Many have written more eloquently than I that forcing women to bear children against their will, to the detriment of their health, and against medical advice stands in contrast to all that we thought we understood about America and the freedom she offers.  

Now we are subjects instead of the Christian Taliban - where one very misogynistic Christianity will decide the moral direction of this country.   No new programs will be offered to provide support for the unwanted generation to come - instead untold human suffering is cast upon us.  Disproportionately affected are the working poor, the uneducated, the young.  

I was that uneducated girl from a working-class family.  In my last year of high-school, on an evening free from a part-time job, I went to a party.  I was flattered an older boy (in his 20s and out of school) took an interest in me.  But later, when I was alone, unable to summon strength to make him stop, telling him no, and finding myself in a dream-like drugged state I was full of shame, rage, self-hate and loathing; for I didn't even know the boy's real name - he went by an absurd nickname - and I never saw him again.  I was raped and pregnant and my dreams of college and escaping my small-town life were in serious doubt.  I was confident my parents would not support an abortion so I sought out the method by which a minor could gain court-approval for the process without parental consent.  I drove an hour from my home to meet with the judge in chambers and explained that my parents would want me to give birth to this child. They would not condone an abortion.  Even then I stood at the crossroads and explained to this old white man that tethered to this rape baby I would have to give up pursuit of college.  As it stood, my parents were not supportive of my talk of college - I only felt inspired to dream in this direction after listening to friends who were college-bound.   I shed tears before that judge that day.  I begged him not to make me have that baby.  I told him I was not ready to have a child.  

At the time I was angry that I had to go to the judge to get permission - I should have been able to make the choice free from his benevolence.  Now I shudder for the girls for whom there is not even this option.

My request was granted and I had an abortion well within the first trimester.  I felt relieved, renewed, and grown-up in a way I had not been before.  I learned about birth control from the clinic, and made sure to keep my appointments so that I could always prevent pregnancy.  My mother had never spoken a word to me about these topics prior to this.  

Approximately two years later I met my future husband.  He was attending the University and I the community college, but my college-bound friends were at the University and it is through them that we met.  I can tell you with certainty that we would not have met, courted, or married had I had a baby.  In fact we were together for around 13 years before we decided to try to have a baby of our own.  When we did try to get pregnant I had two miscarriages before bringing my son to term.  It turns out that I had fibroids and as a result am very prone to miscarriage.  I may have had a miscarriage if I had not had an abortion - but I have no regrets about my choice.  

Abortion is a choice for the woman who must decide.  It is dependent on the circumstances and context at the time.  I have never faced with the choice a second time, but I would never presume to know what is right for any other woman in any other context - I would want her to have freedom to decide her future.  The arrogance of the few to make this decision for so many is wrong.  I fret for my daughter and all young girls who might be forced to shoulder a burden for which they are not ready.  I cry for the unwanted generation who will be alive but without the support to live.  

This week the federal ethics guiding womens' health have turned violent.  The Supreme Court doesn't care about women or their health, 22 states have decided to restrict womens' freedom of choice.  Misogynist policies will force women to have babies even if their health is at risk.  70% to 80% of the population is against this decision, but the powerful few will decide for us all.  Women - this is only the first blow - prepare yourself.  The Christian Taliban knows where the woman's place is and what the woman's role should be. You can fully expect that they will continue to move in this direction stripping us of our rights and freedom as they see fit.  

Another public school experience is over...back to homeschooling

I really wanted the kids to make it through the school year.  There were so many times when I questioned my decision to put them back into school - specifically this small rural school with unqualified teachers.  I could make a long list of weird things the teacher said to the 7th grade that were actively hostile towards public education, science, and diverse thought, but it's exhausting and embarrassing to list all of these things and realize that I didn't make this decision sooner.

What ultimately pushed us over the edge is was the fact that Brother's mental health was suffering.  For weeks he was lying in bed at night stressing out about death.  He was keeping us all up because his anxiety was so high he could not fall asleep and wanted to be comforted.  We encouraged him to practice thankfulness, meditation, deep breathing...but it was not helping.  We has many conversations about how he was (or was not) fitting in and making friends at the school.  We were pushing him to be open-minded with these kids with different values and we tended to blame him for his lack of friendships.  One night over dinner his thoughts and feelings exploded from deep within.  He said, "why would I want to be friends with these kids who vandalize the bathrooms, do drugs, talk about suicide, are "emo," and depressed?!? I don't want to fit in with these kids!"  Then he went on to tell us about the morbid culture that exists in his class where students played a "game" asking a kid to consider two of their classmates and decide who they would "save" and who they would "kill" (if they HAD to kill one)  He was matched and killed by a number of his classmates.  Only one saved him.  When he was asked to match two kids he said, "neither, I would never kill anyone."  Of course that is the right answer, but no other kids gave it.  He then went on to share that one of the kids in his class said, "I would murder everyone in this class if there were no consequences."  The teacher was in the room during this game and did not stop it.  Well suffice it to say that was the end of that.  He didn't go back to school the next day - instead I wrote to the admissions staff and let them know we would resume homeschooling.  

F-that.  I can't put my kids in this environment anymore.  When we homeschooled (and now that we are doing so again) we look around the world to find ways to learn from our experiences.  Yesterday there was a Preparedness Fair in town of St. Johns.  We went and I told Sister that next week she will have to write me a paragraph about "what is a Preparedness Fair?"  I told Brother that he would right me an essay about those things that he learned about that were very useful and those that are more questionable (I want him to have a good bullshit detector).  Everything is a lesson if you frame it in that way.  Though this is the attitude I had towards the school experience, safety concerns trump all of that.  

My kids are generally positive, caring, giving and open with those around them.  They observed the opposite in the kids at school.  It's understandable.  In this rural community some of the kids only eat when they are at school.  Many parents are under or unemployed.  One girl's family was making money selling pigs by the side of the road.  It's a very poor rural community and I knew that going in.  I didn't expect the death cult aspect of it.  However if your life sucks that bad I suppose you are looking forward to the afterlife.  

I want to build mentally healthy kids - not beat them down with a  continual depressing exposure to the absolute worse side of rural America.  Even Sister in second grade had a sad experience with making connections.  Here she is, innocent, loving, caring - each day coming home from school making cards, bracelets, notes for teachers and other kids.  She talked continually about one girl who she said was her bestie.  When that girl's birthday came, Sister wasn't invited.  It was soul-crushing.  The little kids used profanity regularly and, one day on the bus, Sister was told by an eighth-grader that she doesn't have any friends.  Many of these rural kids live hard lives and taking out their shit on my little sweeties was becoming a past-time for them.  Yes, I want my kids to deal with adversity, but let's be real - in the adult world I would not spend 2 minutes around such shitty people.  Why force kids to continually interact with a hostile crowd?  

So here we are.  Homeschooling once again.  I'm not sure what the future holds, but today I am glad to have my kids close to me again and to protect them from all attempts to drag them down into the muck with the sad and downtrodden out there.  They will have plenty of time, as adults, to have to deal with all that.  At home we can reflect upon why people act that way while making sure that they have good mental health.